The Abstract Hell of Memory
by CaideSin
Summary: Said and meant and felt and bruised. [XigbarRoxas]
1. The moon above the Apennines

It began because Xigbar was a superior. He was of the original six. He had a name and memories. Conversely, Roxas was the lowliest. He not only didn't know his previous name, but he also had no memories and that made him garbage, at best. 

But it began because the City was like a cage and the Castle was like Hell. There was nothing for them anywhere in the universe. They could go to Agrabah and eat as many plates of warak enab and drink as much yansoon as they wanted and it wouldn't mean anything. They would taste it, but their bodies didn't need the nourishment and their hearts gained no joy.

The thousands of well meant quotes decrying the merriment of food were nearly insults to the Nobodies who had no love sincere and no intimacy with which to act. At least, nothing outside of the realm of simplistic physicality; and therein lies the issue. It was maddening and it was frustrating.

It drove them to fight like the great caged beasts that they truly were. They were creatures helplessly struggling with the snares of their bodies, reaching for livelihood, infuriated and afraid. Indignant. Unsatisfied. The contortions and spasms of the emotionless soul.

No one in Organization XIII had sex and they definitely didn't 'make love' or any other disgustingly kind little euphemism. The Organization fucked and rutted. It was hurried, fast, painful, and bloody. It was rape without consent or consideration or consequence. The six were untouchable even though they could have any of the others they chose. Within the lower ranks, however, the field was open.

The Superior made it abundantly clear what Number XIII was. He was a tool to be used as seen fit.

And that was how it was allowed to begin.

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**Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts**


	2. Every cramped and devious part

Xigbar half remembered how beautiful Ienzo had been when he was young. He glanced at Zexion now and all he could think was 'too old'. Xigbar silently cursed Braig for his lusts. Beauty? who doesn't love beauty? Men? he could deal. Children? he hated it. Those feelings should have died with the bastard who had them.

Admittedly, most of those around him were not children. His five consorts were adults, all in their prime, and that was why they never drew his eye. Even when he lay with Xemnas, he got nothing but a tactile sensation. Numbers VII and X posed a similar lack of interest to him. It was the others, the subordinates, ranging from teenagers to barely adults. Their youth and vitality, compared to his own, made them barely infants.

Larxene was a beautiful young woman and Marluxia was a handsome young man. Axel's body was lithe and Demyx's hands were skillful but, even as he had them, his thoughts were drawn to the true child in their midst.

He haunted the boy's steps from high above. Roxas' body was just over fifteen years old. Axel and Demyx at least had the decency to be over that lofty 'age of consent'. Xigbar wanted to wait, but he'd never claimed to be a saint.

The boy made Braig's blood burn with feeling. Xigbar never took his limited feelings for granted.

* * *

**Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts**


	3. And you alone of pure substance

There it began. With one swift teleportation and a bend of space to hold Roxas with him, feet on the wall, bodies parallel to the floor. The drop was incentive to compliance, although, he'd heard from others that the blond was a fighter…He'd always pretended not to hear them even as he imagined it…Luxord holding him down and whispering that, if he won the next toss, he could be free, or Vexen strapping him down to a table and pumping him full of drugs before taking him.

He crushed that tiny body to him, front-to-front, and bit gently at the shell of Roxas' ear.

"Don't fight me," he growled. He just wanted to sate his lust and he hoped that he could then be done with it. "Do nothin', you got me, XIII?" He squeezed harder.

His prey squirmed rebelliously and then stilled, Roxas' pulse was tap dancing in his throat and his breathing was uneven. When Xigbar pulled back to look at the boy's face, he saw rage, resentment, but also hints of resignation.

Roxas bared his teeth and snarled, "I understand."

Xigbar's mouth was dry. He looked at that face smooth, bright, with a luster of youth and he almost hesitated to mar it. Like breaking a stained glass window but…it was a bit late to be growing a fucking conscience. Xaldin had already forced the boy, and Xigbar liked to think he was a step up. He ripped off his gloves with his teeth, letting them fall unattended to the floor far, far below, whilst his attention was elsewhere caught.

"If it'll make ya feel better, feel free to scream, kid," he offered.

Roxas shot daggers back at him with his eyes and made to stuff his knee into the assaulter's gut. Xigbar checked the leg and delivered a swift punch to the child's jaw. Blood dribbled from the corner of the Keyblade Wielder's mouth. Xigbar then grabbed his chin, digging his fingers into the new injury painfully.

"Don't make this any harder than it has ta be," he warned. His other hand was busy removing further impediments as he spoke. "No one else needs ta know, unless you do somethin' stupid."

Roxas growled and opened his mouth to speak, but let out a whimper, clamping his jaw shut and grinding his teeth.

"Yeah," Xigbar sneered, letting go in order to continue divesting him of clothing. "Hope I broke it, kid."

Each garment that was removed was sent down through the air to land in a heap on the floor. They themselves remained haphazardly stuck to the wall and…

"You should just drop me," Roxas grunted, despite the pain in his mouth. The Freeshooter spun him mid-air and then pushed his naked body against the wall. It was cold, and his entire body broke out into gooseflesh, but the blond refused to quiver. Xigbar might think he was scared. Which he wasn't, he'd taken this abuse from others and merely promised himself, once he had his heart, he would kill every last one of them. He jolted to feel Xigbar's erection at his opening so soon.

"Not gonna drop ya, Roxy. I'm gonna fuck you, then clean you up and send ya to your room."

"N-neh…" Roxas groaned as Xigbar thrust, ignoring ripping flesh and resisting muscle.

"Want me to cover your mouth?" the older man offered in a low husky murmur laced with his thirst not yet quenched.

Roxas made a noise somewhere between a sob and breathless sigh and ducked his head, hiding away his face behind a fall of hair. His fingers scrabbled at the tiles uselessly and his hips jerked, searching for purchase.

His body was taut, toned muscles and supple pale skin and…Xigbar found himself wishing the boy would cry out again, but all his sounds were muted. He bit at the back of the blonde's neck and slid one dexterous and weathered hand to Roxas' front. He was unsurprised to find him flaccid, but his careful strokes began to bring about a change. He heard Roxas' make an angered sound deep in his throat, which was then cut off by a high-pitched whine of lust.

The Freeshooter's body could take care of itself, moving with timed accuracy, hand and hips working together in tandem while he spoke into the blonde's ear once more.

"Any of the others so polite, kid?" A rolling growl caught on Roxas' vocal cords. "Demyx, maybe, but he'd never force you, would 'e?" He accentuated his _force_ with a rough jerk of his hand.

Roxas made another lovely little noise in reply, though he kept his face resolutely turned downwards. Xigbar liked to think he was crying, that'd look nice with those big blue eyes of his…

His long, dark hair had begun to come loose from its tie, falling over his shoulder and sticking to Roxas' sweaty skin. His hand was slick with the steady drip of precum and Roxas had finally begun to shake, his body close to peaking. Xigbar gave him a harder shove towards ecstasy and found his own along the way.

His head still swimming in white foam, he teleported them back to the ground and restored the gravity in that hallway to its rightful state. His legs felt a little rubbery, which was nothing compared to Roxas, who collapsed straight to the floor. Xigbar gave a little half-felt sneer and draped the boy's coat over him.

"C'mon, get up, I'm not carryin' you to your bed."

In another blink, Xigbar had taken them to the Key of Destiny's chamber. The teenager scowled and pulled himself to his feet as he situated the black cloak properly. He zipped it up high, but left the hood down so Xigbar could see the fury in his eyes. The keyblade's materialized in his palms and Xigbar just smiled.

"What are you gonna do with those? Kill me? Wait your turn, kid."

Roxas' face twisted with anger and he made forward to attack. He was dodged with ease and then he had an arm around his throat, choking him.

"Do you know what'd happen to you if you killed me?" asked Number II lightly. "The rest of the Organization'd be down on your head. So," he let go and Roxas gasped for breath, cradling his injured jaw gingerly. "Why don'tcha just pretend this never happened?"

Roxas' reaction was predictable; he looked ready to commit murder.

Xigbar gave him a disarming grin and waved. "Well, fine, see ya, kid."

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**Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts**


	4. To give the dead a public stance

It continued when Xigbar came back for more

He'd made a mistake. It wasn't inconceivable, but this mistake was a problem. It was the fact that he'd had Roxas' body and the others were suddenly completely worthless to him now. He couldn't even concentrate on them, not when he remembered the sounds and the warm skin and…He'd managed a few weeks without that boyish form.

"Hey, Roxy," he greeted. He'd been following the boy through the halls for quite some time, only now announcing himself, as they were alone. The blond turned to stare at him and frowned, his eyes still blazed. "How're you for another round?"

The keyblades were the kid's first reaction and violence was Xigbar's. He had the child disarmed and on his back in a matter of moments.

"Wanna fight some more, kiddo?" Xigbar hissed out, pushing Roxas' legs apart, while his tongue danced along the blonde's neck. "Or, do just wanna relax with me?"

Roxas tried to head-butt him, so the Freeshooter took his head and _smashed_ it back against the floor. He watched the boy's pretty eyes roll up. He didn't technically need the kid conscious.

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**Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts**


	5. This introduction serves to sing

The problem lingered on. He wanted the kid. Well, he, Xigbar, didn't give a fuck because Xigbar, the Nobody, just wanted to get his heart back. The body; his body; Braig's heartless body; wanted Roxas. 

The only thing that really slackened his lust was being away from the child, which could easily enough be arranged. But then Xemnas would call them together to the chamber rooms and Roxas would be there, hidden in his hood. But still there, just right over there.

He felt like a hunting dog, once he got the scent in his nose he could never lose it. He had no choice but to follow the boy back to his quarters.

"Tcch," Roxas sneered. "I know you're there."

"Must be losin' my touch." Xigbar saw no need to hide any longer and teleported to the floor in front of him.

"I haven't seen you for weeks," the blond grumbled, unzipping his coat and tossing it to the side.

"Miss me that much, Roxy?" the man leered, walking up to the Key of Destiny with confidence. He was glad to see that Roxas wasn't going pull the keyblade stunt again. They'd done this so many times that it'd gotten old.

"No."

"Well," Xigbar reached out and caressed his lean sides. "I really fucking missed you."

"Don't you mean you really missed fucking me?" Roxas corrected in disgust. He made no move to remove any more of his clothes, so Xigbar picked up where he'd left off, pulling the dark shirt up over his head and undoing his black pants.

"Yeah, mostly that. Kick your shoes off, kid, relax."

Roxas obeyed begrudgingly, the last of his clothes were removed and he stood there, crossing his arms over his bare chest in annoyance. He was always stripped bare while Xigbar remained clothed and he hated it. He hated being the vulnerable one, he wanted to even the goddam playing field.

"Oh, what's this here?"

Xigbar took the blonde's wrists and examined them. He could already guess what the marks were from but he wanted to hear Roxas say it. Meanwhile, he digested the fact that other people (_nobodies_) were touching the kid and he knew that but…

"Vexen."

"Hmm."

"Ugh, stop it!" Roxas snapped, tearing his arms away. "Get it over with, you son of a Hydra!"

Xigbar gave an exaggerated and wounded sigh. "Dude, kid, that's just rude. I can remember my ma. And she was definitely no a hydra."

Roxas tossed a goddam fireball in his face, got himself shot through the shoulder and _then_ fucked. He bled all over and was more ornery than usual about the whole business. Xigbar didn't really care.

* * *

**Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts**


	6. The channels of our lives are blocked

**Interlude**

Xigbar had a new issue to take care of.

He went down into Vexen's lair for one purpose and one purpose alone.

"Yo, Vexen, gotta be more careful with Roxy. Kid's all bruised up."

The Academic paused in his experiment and turned, narrowing his eyes.

"Xigbar, what are you talking about." He didn't actually care to know the answer, so it wasn't really a question. Xigbar sidled over beside him anyway and roughly took both of the man's wrists into his hands. He squeezed and made sure Vexen was looking him in the eye. The unspoken menace flitted through the air.

_Don't touch him again._

Vexen's brows knit, but he knew better than to challenge Number II.

"I see, of course."

"Great, man, no problem then."

* * *

**Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts**


	7. The hand is stopped upon the clock

Roxas and Demyx were atop the heating equipment at the Fragment Crossing and they were just shy of fucking. That had not been the original intent, but things had changed. They were friends and they were the most looked down upon in the Organization. Roxas was the youngest and Demyx was mostly a pacifist, often misconstrued as the weakest.

They were kind and gentle with each other when no one else was. Demyx was the only one who would kiss him on the mouth, not just to keep him quiet and Roxas was the only one who let him have some control over the situation.

Demyx's tongue in his mouth had felt wonderful and his hands caressing through fabric had been pleasant. Somehow they'd leaned over until Roxas was on his back and the coats were being forsaken and Roxas arched his back and moaned softly, eyes fluttering shut.

"Rox, what's this?" Demyx asked, stilling entirely.

The younger's eyes opened and he turned his head to the side, staring at the wound in his shoulder. It was still bandaged and the gauze was a little bit damp…but he had been shot, so he didn't see it as a big deal.

"It's nothing," he murmured, slapping the musician's fingers away from the dressing.

"I don't…"

"Demyx. It's just an injury." Roxas was beginning to feel uncomfortable about it himself. He scooted backwards on the metal unit until he was no longer beneath Demyx. "I…well…later, I'll…see you."

Then he jumped down to the concrete and disappeared into a portal of oily black.

**End Interlude**

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**Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts****  
**


	8. To that unreaching spot, her grave

"Roxas!" 

The blond turned to acknowledge his name with a scowl. He was hot and sweaty and tired and annoyed and just being around Axel made it feel like the temperature had gone up another eighty degrees and _not_ in a pleasant sexual kind of way.

"What?" Roxas snarled back.

Xemnas had sent them into the desert to dig up some goddam artifact that they had no proof even existed. They were down to their skivvies because the heat was hell and at least they had _magic _and didn't have to _physically_ shovel the sand.

"I brought you a drink." Axel responded dully, then he looked evil, raising the item carefully above his head, far beyond Roxas' reach.

Sweat poured down the blonde's face and he stared up at the liquid, eyes riveted. Then he turned away and continued the wind spell through gritted teeth.

"_Wind_. _Wind_. _Wind-_dammit-_Wind_!"

"Whoa, Roxas, you're gonna blow away the whole desert, chill!" Axel gasped between snickers. He pressed the cold glass to his companion's forehead. "I'll take a turn."

"Don't use fire on it," Roxas warned dangerously. "Or we'll end up sorting through glass shards."

"Gotcha boss!"

They'd been out there for a week. They'd been out there for a week, casting wind spells on sand, looking for something that might not even be in existence! Roxas gritted his teeth…Gah, sand in his mouth! Curses flooded into his head.

"Looks like you two are havin' fun, Roxy."

They multiplied themselves ten fold when he heard the voice from behind him. Roxas felt his body stiffening in…fear? No! Of course he wasn't afraid. Apprehensive was a better term.

He could see Axel turning and smiling amiably enough at their elder. He just wanted to run off into the dunes and never come back.

"What do you want, Number II?" Roxas asked curtly, keeping a wall of formality pushed up firmly between the two of them. For several days before he'd left on this mission he had seen nothing _but_ Xigbar, trapped in his room with the bastard.

"You're here to say we can leave this miserable sandbox, right?" the redhead asked hopefully.

"Actually, no, Big Dude wants a report on the progress. Couldn't come 'imself…here I am."

His subordinates gave a chorused groan and said, "There is no progress."

Xigbar laughed. "Well, have fun working on your tan, kids."

Then he was gone again.

* * *

**Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts**


	9. Some time between despair and dawn

Three days. 

He'd been back at the Castle after an absence of a month and he'd yet to be accosted. By anyone.

Roxas kept glancing over his shoulder and jumping at the slightest sounds. He was paranoid and on edge. Annoyed by the whole ordeal, he went to his quarters, half expecting to find Xigbar there, but he didn't.

He realized he should have been relieved, but instead he just felt anxious, he went to sit on his bed and wait. The bed was extremely uncomfortable and really was only there for aesthetic value; so they could pretend they were people. They didn't actually need the rest anyway.

But he sat there, waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop and…The room was white and quiet and cold.

He noted again that he should have felt grateful. Xigbar must have gotten tired of him, and that thought didn't help. That he'd been tossed aside? But he reminded himself harshly that it was a good thing! He was tired of being exploited as if he were Dutch Wife with a keyblade attachment.

Furious, he stormed from his quarters, out into the Proof of Existence. He used the Freeshooter's portal and went looking for him in the mindset of murder. However, Xigbar's domain remained empty, Roxas growled and set about a rampage, but was halted by the laughing voice from above.

"Lookin' for me?"

In a dizzying series of teleportations Roxas was brought to stand on the ceiling, encircled in Xigbar's arms.

"I've come to kill you," Roxas snapped in return, he was embarrassed to have been caught unawares.

"You did?" Xigbar cackled; loosening his arms and letting Roxas feel the freefall before catching him again. "I think you missed me."

"It's only been three days," sneered the boy.

"You've been countin'?"

"S-shut up!" Roxas stammered, wriggling in the Freeshooter's grasp, trying to punch him.

"Why dontcha try shuttin' me up, kid?" the man suggested. Roxas stilled, staring at the cruel grin on his face and the eye-patch and the terrible scar and…!

"My tongue had poison on it," Roxas lied, his face red with embarrassment, trying to recatch his breath after th—_that_!

"Really?"

"No…"

* * *

**Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts**


	10. Appearance, whom small waves tease

He tugged Roxas' naked hips back to press against him roughly. The boy's sinuous backside was at just the right place and Xigbar rubbed against him.

The blond pulled back, whirling and glaring at him. Water whipped off his hair with the motion, flinging droplets around the little shower cubical. Roxas scowled and Xigbar simply smiled.

The child stood away from him stubbornly. Xigbar leaned back against the tiled corner, whilst he remained resolutely beneath the showerhead, scrubbing viciously at his mop of hair.

"Roxas."

The boy peeked an eye open at him, still glowering openly.

"You can give me that look all you want, get over here, kid."

Roxas looked liable to refuse, but then resignation lit up his features. He inched closer, staring up at Xigbar from his short height. So short…he had to slowly push himself up on tiptoes to place a chaste kiss on his injured eye; patch now gone to avoid the wet.

Roxas didn't think the injury was that terrible. The eye was gone, yes, and it was burned but all of them knew he'd been injured. Xigbar should have forgone the patch, flaunted his triumph over death, escaping with only a badge to his merit. The Freeshooter disagreed.

"Axel wants you, you know," Xigbar said, clutching wet boy flesh to him. He had no feelings…he had no feelings…only lust, only lust…His other gold eye watched Roxas with great vigilance.

The blond made a face of discomfiture. "Axel is my best friend."

"He knows you fuck around with Demyx."

"Axel is my best friend," Roxas repeated quietly.

"He _doesn't_ know you fuck around with me." His voice was rough, cagey, and affectionate.

"He wouldn't understand why I bother with you. I barely know why I bother with you," Roxas rejoined sourly.

Xigbar knew the answer just as well as he knew the rhetorical quality of the question. "The sex is good."

Roxas thought, however, that wasn't it. He looked up at a face, which had become the allegorical canvas for a life of hardship and strife. He embodied change, age, mortality, _life_. He ran his fingers lovingly through Xigbar's wet hair, eyeing the graying stripe with envy. _Life. _That was what Roxas liked to think, but perhaps that was a bit too poetic even for him.

"That is about it," Roxas agreed, keeping his thoughts inside. Xigbar didn't need to know them. Xigbar just liked to have sex with him…He was an embodied kink, no more.

* * *

**Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts**


	11. Dear Wife, lost beast, beleaguered child

"I'm leaving." Roxas was the one telling him this. Roxas' big blue eyes looked confused but resolute. "Will you stop me?"

He thought he would, but his mouth went without him. "No."

"I'm tired of…this."

"Of what?"

"This—this half…life."

"Sorry, kiddo."

"I…"

"Go before I change my mind?" He grinned like a jackal with rabies.

"I…goodbye. When I have my heart, I'll…"

He wasn't there to listen.

Later he heard Axel babbling on about how Roxas had left, the Flame appealed to them all to do something…something. No one moved a muscle, Saïx said 'traitor'…traitor?

He felt dazed, listening to reports and fulfilling orders and, _"I'm leaving."

* * *

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts**


	12. Feeding at last our starving eyes

"You're just trying to freak me out by saying really random things!" 

_No, I'm tryin' to figure out what's happened to me since Roxas left…I think I'm tryin' to get Roxas back and I'm tryin' to beat Axel to the punch…I want to punch you. I want to hold you._

He used to give me that exact same look.

_When I cornered him, when I raped him, when I insulted him, when I looked at him, when I touched him, when I—not when I kissed him._

"I…goodbye. When I have my heart, I'll…"

_I didn't stay to listen, when he had his heart? We'll come back together, when he has his heart?_

"Roxas."

_The boy struck him down._

"I'm not Roxas!"

_Struck them all down. _

"We'll see."

_He didn't remember and he didn't see._

"My name is Sora."

_I wonder what Braig would have thought of the kid…Would Braig have loved him?_

Fade from existence, Braig had no hold.

_Never has_.

**Goodbye.

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****Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts**


End file.
